The Many Misfortunes of Iago
by Akriloth2160
Summary: When everyone's favourite villanous vizier wishes to pursue an external agenda, he decides that sometimes you have to sacrifice your contemptible comic relief. For said comic relief, it only goes downhill from there. (LITERARY DIET WARNING: May contain anachronisms.)
1. Iago Gets Hit By A Truck

"Pttthhtt! Plllthaattt! Yeuch!", went Iago, spitting out as many crackers as he could before the inside of his beak could go the route of the outlying desert. "We always end up going through this, Jafar! You never even think of dropping the slightest hint that maybe crackers aren't the best way to show love for a parrot!"

"And what would be better?", Jafar retorted, "Perhaps a quick massage, maybe with a happy ending at the end?"

Iago froze halfway through clearing crumbs off of himself, dumbstruck by such a horrifying mental image. "From the sultan?! You gotta be kidding me!"

"Oh, shut up, Iago. The point is, you're supposed to play up the stereotypes of your kind to keep playing to the sultan's naivité", said Jafar, as Iago desperately tried to keep up with him as he sauntered down the corridor. "It's the only way we could appear like we're on his side in spite of our blatant villainous exterior."

"Why?", squawked Iago, fluttering up to Jafar's shoulder.

"Because it's more fun that way", Jafar said with a satisfied grin at such a retort. "If we go through the whole thing knowing the lead political figurehead really is as gullible as he appears, it'll provide a bit of entertainment between hypnotizing his daughter into-"

"Alright, enough already!", interrupted Iago, hoping he would never know exactly why Jafar put self-imposed limitations on his hypnosis powers. "Let's just figure out what the princess was doing with that street rat from earlier, and get it over with, so we can then find a reason to lock him in the dungeon and give him one hour to outsmart every trap we have in there using lots o' jumpin' around!"

"Iago", Jafar said just as Iago was pausing for a breath, "I think you might be thinking about a different piece of Middle Eastern fiction."

"Shut up, you're breaking the fourth wall again!", came a sharp whisper from Ron Clements, who was hiding outside of the view of the camera.

"Oh, uh, I mean, I think you might be overestimating what we really need to do here", Jafar said hastily. "Besides, we have a much better plan than this 'Jordan Mechner' fellow could ever come up with", he continued in his usual sultry tone, failing to notice John Musker silently facepalming at his continued breaking of the fourth wall. "You remember that 'diamond in the rough' that the cave of wonders spoke of? I suspect that this street rat could be the exact one we're looking for."

"Some random bum on the streets is predestined to be the one to crawl down a sandy tiger's throat and pull a magic clam out of it? Please."

"_Lamp_, Iago. A magic _lamp_. In any case, my suspicion is not unfounded. After studying every possible text, I pieced together several traits that point to him being the one, one of which happens to be a close affiliation with royalty. This meeting with princess Jasmine could be the exact sign we're looking for!"

"Riiiiight, right. So where do I figure into all this?"

"You, Iago, have to keep an eye on this street rat, find out his usual habits and hiding spots. I hear that he's rather elusive when it comes to the city guard, so careful planning is needed in order to corner him. So, when we catch him doing something illegal, that's when we put things in motion. Do you understand?"

"Got it, Jafar", Iago said, feigning a salute in a way that made Jafar roll his eyes. "Where should I start?"

"Your place to start searching is in between the cracks in the roads around Agrabah. He could be hiding under any of them", lied Jafar.

"Ok, Jafar! There is no questioning your omnipotence!", squawked Iago, flying out of a window with much haste.

"Excellent", mumbled Jafar to himself. "Now that I've gotten rid of him, time to put that other plan in motion…"

* * *

Iago stayed low to the road, hastily dodging all passing carts and camels as he peered through every crack in the paving, desperately trying to look for a possible secret entrance to where this street rat could be hiding. He noticed one particular paving stone that seemed rather loose, so he dug his claws underneath it and tugged as hard as his wings would let him. It was only after five minutes of tugging that Iago suddenly realised he was stuck, trapped in the middle of a road at night.

"Jafar!", he screeched. "JAFAAAAAAAR! I NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE!"

After squawking for help enough to give himself a sore throat, Iago lay down with a bored expression on his face. Perhaps someone would come and get him unstuck from this paving stone eventually.

Suddenly, he was alerted by a rumbling sound in the distance. He looked over his shoulder, and noticed two bright lights in the distance. With a terrified yelp, Iago desperately tried to drag himself out of the crack in a manner just as fruitless as his first attempts. As the rumbling grew louder and the lights got closer, Iago turned to the lights and let out a terrified squawk, pausing only to ask, "Wait...why is there a truck in ancient Agrabah?", at which point he was interrupted by this very truck ploughing straight into him, leaving nothing but a flurry of feathers in its wake.

* * *

"And what is it that you're looking for?", asked Ariel towards this strange human in a black turban.

"Well, it may seem like a simple hunch", said Jafar, "…but I'm looking to borrow that brain of yours…"


	2. Iago Gets Set On Fire

"An' whut's yer story, li'l colour'd bird?", the man with the cap said.

"Well", began the parrot, "there's this guy over in the city of Agrabah, bit creepy, but still better than the current sultan, and he and I were working together to overthrow the sultan by getting hold of this magic lamp that has a guy inside who can grant any wish you want".

"Well, butter mah biscuit, I'd best be out lookin' fer this here lamp as well!"

"Ahhhh, there's no point.", moaned Iago, reaching for another beer. "There's some kinda baloney about some 'diamond in the rough' that can search for that lamp in the cave it takes place in. Scary place, too – the doorway TALKS!"

"Friend, are you sure 'bout this here cave or are you just trippin' on that there peyote this far out here in the desert?"

"Buddy…_I_…have been _HIT_…by a _TRUCK_! I _might as well_ be tripping on peyote, because _NOTHING_ even makes _SENSE_ any more! I somehow wound up at a _gas station_, for cryin' out loud!", yelled Iago, ignoring one nearby man muttering to another man about how odd that sounded coming from a weirdly fluent parrot. "**_WHERE THE HECK AM I?!_****"**

"Listen, son", the man said in a calm voice, "We'd best be heading on our way. Sorry we can't be givin' you a ride – animal control here is rather tight, 'specially out in the open".

"Animal control…?" Iago started, as the man got up and walked over to his truck. "Wait! I can ride on the front grille! I've kinda gotten used to it! I can pretend to be a soft toy! I-"

It was no use. The truck drove off into the distance, leaving Iago behind at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Iago frustratedly walked into the store nearby and bought a packet of cigarettes from a clerk too out of his mind to notice that he just sold tobacco to a parrot.

"I wouldn't smoke those nearby if I were you", mumbled the clerk, who, for some strange reason, only noticed Iago pulling a matchbook out of his feathers, lighting one of the cigarettes.

"Ah, kiss my feathery ass!", grumbled Iago as he left the building, only to be greeted by a mild sandstorm blowing in his face.

It wasn't so much the following sneeze that caused Iago to drop the cigarette, but rather the build-up towards it that forced him to open his beak. He concentrated far too hard on the sneeze to notice that the cigarette had rolled close to one of the gas pumps. With almost perfect timing, the pump exploded right after Iago's sneeze, and the resulting flames singed Iago's head feathers…or so he wished. Within mere moments, Iago's entire body was ablaze, and he desperately struggled to fly away from any of the other pumps, lest he be caught in an even larger explosion than before.

It was only after dragging his charred, black self along the sand that he finally collapsed unconscious, but not before three words escaped his beak.

"Jafar…you…asshole…"

* * *

"Yes, Gaston…", mumbled Belle in a stilted, robotic monotone voice as she gazed into the eyes of the strange cobra staff that Gaston had somehow gotten hold of, completely ignoring Gaston's bizarrely longer teeth and more prominent beard. "Of course I'd marry you in a heartbeat. That beast is a completely and utterly mean jerkface who can't go a single day without demanding that I make him a sandwich and get him another beer. I totally reject the idea of ever wanting to have babies with a guy who looks like the first design for a rejected Saturday morning cartoon of _An American Werewolf In London,_ because that's just sick and wrong and I would happily choose Gaston over a smouldering great asshole like the Beast. Oh. Oh. Hold me Gaston. You fabulously-bicepped hunk of man, you."

"Yes, Belle, it's ok…the big bad beast can't hurt you now!", said the man who was allegedly Gaston, before uttering a maniacal cackle.


End file.
